I am trying very hard to not use this platform to whine and moan about life in general, but I think this is a valid entry for our adoption blog...
Let me preface by saying I have three very long posts that are in "edit" stage that I will post at some point fully explaining how we got to Danny and came to our decision to adopt. This week has been very tough for me. Not only are we dealing with the stress of a home improvement project, two full time jobs, and adopting, the due date for our daughter is rapidly approaching. We call our little girl Faith because we have an amazing amount considering all we have been through in the past 12 months. Faith is how we got to Danny. Without going through 16 (almost 17) weeks of pregnancy and finally getting comfortable with the idea that she would get here and be healthy (she was our second miscarriage) I don't think we would have ever truly committed to adoption. Yes, we had talked about it, but as a vague idea of something we might like to do.
I miss our daughter. I cherish the time I had with her and I love her like I can't explain. I very much wish that I was finishing up a nursery and getting ready to go on maternity leave. And I feel guilty! I feel guilty that I miss her and still want her even though I also miss and want Danny! I am afraid I am not excited enough about him and people are going to think we rushed into this decision and are beginning to regret it. (Not a chance!) How do you explain these mixed emotions?!??! Some days I laugh it away, some days I cry. Today is about tears.
So if for some reason I (or we) don't exactly seem to be ourselves for the next few days/weeks now you know why. And I hope you still love us for it!
Love and great big hugs Jessica!
ReplyDeleteBoy do I know exactly how you feel! I think the weeks leading up to and Jewel's due date were the hardest. Knowing I should have been about to give birth, but instead I was painfully empty handed and grieving. Just like Jewel, Faith is part of God's journey to your son. Their little lives are full of purpose. Because of them there will be two less orphans. Faith will be forever loved, but thankfully not forever missed.
ReplyDeleteI wish there was something profound I could say, but words escape me. What I know is that you (and Wes and Faith and Danny) more than you know. There is a reason why God chose to keep Faith with him; although we (you) won't know that till we (you) meet her again. BUT without her there would have been no Danny! What a blessing her little life provided.
ReplyDeleteRemember, God will never give you more than you can handle (I often have to say this to myself). You are so strong! This journey is just going to make the destination that much sweeter.
Love you!
*y'all are loved more than you know
ReplyDeleteI completely understand. And these feelings you have ARE normal. You will always love Faith and she will always have a place in your heart. But it's amazing how God designed our hearts to love more than just one child. What an amazing day it will be when Danny comes home.
ReplyDeleteWe feel the same way about Cambrie. I felt guilty that I might not love Jeremiah like I should because I was sad and missing Cambrie. But, Jeremiah is LOVED! He is so special. However, I still love Cambrie and miss her daily. It's hard looking at pictures of her and her big smile. But how blessed our lives were by her. And how amazingly blessed we are now.
Here's a blog I think might bless you to read:
www.rosemaryachildofgod.blogspot.com
Blessings to you and Wes. We love you guys!
I can't pretend to know what you are going through with the approaching due date of your daughter Faith, but I can tell you that I know how you feel in these early stages of the adoption. It is hard! And tough. So, I am praying for you since you have added stress too.
ReplyDeleteA fellow Texan
www.moveanymountian.blogspot.com
I miss her too. =( I don't know what else to say....but...
ReplyDeleteLove you!