tough days

I am trying very hard to not use this platform to whine and moan about life in general, but I think this is a valid entry for our adoption blog...

Let me preface by saying I have three very long posts that are in "edit" stage that I will post at some point fully explaining how we got to Danny and came to our decision to adopt.  This week has been very tough for me.  Not only are we dealing with the stress of a home improvement project, two full time jobs, and adopting, the due date for our daughter is rapidly approaching.  We call our little girl Faith because we have an amazing amount considering all we have been through in the past 12 months.  Faith is how we got to Danny.  Without going through 16 (almost 17) weeks of pregnancy and finally getting comfortable with the idea that she would get here and be healthy (she was our second miscarriage) I don't think we would have ever truly committed to adoption.  Yes, we had talked about it, but as a vague idea of something we might like to do.

I miss our daughter.  I cherish the time I had with her and I love her like I can't explain.  I very much wish that I was finishing up a nursery and getting ready to go on maternity leave.  And I feel guilty!  I feel guilty that I miss her and still want her even though I also miss and want Danny!  I am afraid I am not excited enough about him and people are going to think we rushed into this decision and are beginning to regret it. (Not a chance!) How do you explain these mixed emotions?!??! Some days I laugh it away, some days I cry.  Today is about tears.

So if for some reason I (or we) don't exactly seem to be ourselves for the next few days/weeks now you know why.  And I hope you still love us for it!